It is possible that we feel this way. We are still feeding the beast – those concepts about ourself, and how we think we ‘should’ be.
There are two aspects on the road to enlightenment, to finding out ‘what it’s all about’.
One is realising that our unchanging, pure nature is pure awareness, nothing more and nothing less. The other is purifying the mind’s habitual tendencies that obscure that pure nature. We cannot have one without the other. It is those obscurations that are difficult to remove. It’s not about making ourselves feel better, which would only further ensnare us. We are not paupers who want to become ministers and then kings and queens: we are yogis breaking out of the human, collective, mistaken view that limits our experience. Realising this is the reason we are here.
Meditation is merely being aware of awareness – nothing more, nothing less. Resting there, realisation occurs that this unconstructed, empty space has a knowing quality. That’s all. That’s us.
Whether the mind is feeling good, excited, bad or fed up, this unconstructed, knowing space is ever-present. It does nothing but be aware. Once this pure knowingness is recognised and established, then whatever we do is a reflection of this realisation.
We are so used to ‘doing’, ‘feeling’, ‘acting out’ in conventional habitual ways that we just do not notice this ever-present, pure awareness. Even being a clever human being, playing ever more complex games, is not without its mental disturbances.
People around us look human and talk like humans, but they are just human, and don’t notice this pure, aware life-force, and so they gossip about histories and geographies; places they have been and what they did there.
We acquire an appearance, dressing this life-force up in a habit, in clothing. ‘Habit’ comes from habere ‘to have, to consist of, dress, attire’. This clothing is karma, and is that which has to drop away for naked awareness to be. We are not being something … something special. We are not being important. We’re merely being.
Then we can just ‘chop wood’, ‘fetch water’ and ‘sit’. And stop worrying how it ‘should’ be.