The four mind changes.
Preciousness of human body
Impermanence and mortality
Consequences of actions
The negative characteristics of social existence
It is not beyond our understanding to see how precious life is, and that everything is impermanent. It is not beyond our intelligence to realise that there are consequences to our actions, and that the search for lasting happiness in a material world will never be satisfying.
Reflecting on these four mind changes is the mechanism to change our limited view, with its constant ups and downs. When we start to understand how our fixated ideas are limiting our experience, we may begin to wonder who we are and what on earth are we doing here. We may have considered these questions when we were younger, but we learned to conform, to fit into a social lifestyle: we may secretly resent this.
The problem lies in our sense of value. We pontificate down the pub, tell anyone that who’s listening how cultured we are, gossip about a friend or talk about a film we have seen, rather than consider the real meaning of life.
If one mentions anything like the four mind changes to ‘normal’ human beings, they’ll say, “Oh, that’s deep!” and excuse themselves to find the nearest toilet. Do you have that effect on people as well?!
How did we get to a state of avoiding that which is truly valuable, and the meaning of life?
It is understandable that we may want to project and defend our precious ego, but it is inconceivable that we can spend our lives talking about trivia as if it was important, when we may regret that wasted time at the end of our life. But that is what we actually do…our whole lives.
At the recent funeral of a close relative, it was said, “So-and-so was a member of a club, and went on cruises.” The deceased being referred to was my Dad. A week before he died, I asked him, “What do you think of your life?” He said, “Resentment.”
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The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
This is from Bonnie Ware’s memoirs.
“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
“People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
“When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
BUDDHA IN THE MUD is a blog - a living book based on the Dzogchen teachings. Our teacher is life, and life is karma. We are all Buddhas in the mud of concepts. 